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That's Comedy! Joke Book. Объемная книга (в формате pdf) с английскими анекдотами. Скачать. (914 Kb)
Коллекция забавных историй и английского юмора. Скачать. (68 Kb)
Some anecdotes and funny stories.
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. After a performing a thorough examination and running multiple tests, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," says the doctor, "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!"says the man, "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? Ten What?"
"Nine..."
Beer note!!
A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.
So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then.
Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"
The Portrait
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Sneakers
A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
No reason to stop!
A great speaker, while speaking to a large audience, paused and said "I'm afraid I've kept you too long." And a voice in the rear replied , "Go on, sir, it's still raining."
Sidewalk
A well-to-do, plump woman went to visit one of her sons who was a cadet. Wishing to surprise her son she went to his room unannounced. The dormitory was still under construction, and as she passed through a doorway a sliver of wood caught on her dress and made a hole in it. A cadet who chanced to pass by at that moment called out impudently, "Madame, you should have gone through that door sideways." The heavily built singer did not take offence. Laughing heartily, she said, "My dear sonny, I have no sideways."
Food for thought!
Alexander A Stevens, US Senator and, subsequently Vice-President of the Confederate States, was remarkably short and weighed less than 80 lbs. Once there arose a heated debate between Stevens and a Congressman who was tall and huge. At one point in the debate the big Senator shouted, "Why, I could swallow you and never know I'd eaten a thing." "In that case, you'd have more brains in your belly than you ever had in your head," retorted Stevens.
Beautiful Lincoln
Lincoln had a great love for children. A little girl was taken by her father to see him at the White House. Lincoln took her upon his knee and engaged in pleasant chatting with her. Turning to her father, the girl exclaimed : "Oh, Pa! he isn't ugly at all, he's just beautiful!"
Mutual understanding!
A revolutionary speaker was addressing a meeting of hostile audience. One woman, in an ugly mood, rose up and said, "If you were my husband, I would give you poison." And the speaker, with his ready wit, retorted, " My dear lady, if I were your husband I would take the poison."
Unearthly suggestion
Soon after arriving in America, Boris Sirpo ( the Finnish Conductor ) and his wife took up residence in a house that was believed to be haunted. The very first night itself they were disturbed by unearthly sounds. Mrs Sirpo asked Boris to go and see what it was. " No, my love," Boris suggested, " You go. Your English is better."
Foolish mistake!
King George V of England and his sister Princess Victoria were in the habit of having a brief chat on the telephone every morning. These chats were very personal, informal and often of a joking sort. One morning the phone rang as usual and the Princess picked up the receiver and said, "Hello, you old fool." The voice of the operator broke in, "I beg your pardon, Your Royal Highness, His Majesty is not yet on the line."
Hang together
In the days of Benjamin Franklin, America was a young nation, undergoing the bewildering process of growth. There were many differences of view-points and quarrels among the men who held the government. Often this was a hindrance to the development of the country. At a particularly acute point of this turmoil, Franklin stood up in the Senate and said : "Let us hang together, gentlemen, or we will hang separately."
Mental block
"I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one," wrote James Thurber, " for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough he might become disturbed.
Will Power
A donor in Florida greeted me at the door in her underwear. She explained she had been shopping and was hot. She went on to explain that she was 80 years old, swam every day and asked me if I thought she was in great shape. I agreed. We continued our visit and I learned she had included a bequest to my organization in her will.
Blasphemy pays
On one of his television shows Bob Hope declared, "The hotel room where I am staying is so small that the rats are round-shouldered." Later he heard that the hotel was going to sue for damages unless he retracted. So on another show he retracted, " I'm sorry I said that the rats in that hotel were round-shouldered. They are not."
Ardent fan
In the course of one recital in Spain, pianist Vladimir de Pachmann was distracted by a lady who was vigorously fanning herself. At last the pianist said with a smile, " Lady, you are fanning two-four and I'm playing three-four. I'll play to yours, but we can't possibly carry on like this."
Who's Counting?
Napoleon was involved in conversation with a colonel of a Hungarian battalion who had been taken prisoner in Italy. The colonel mentioned he had fought in the army of Maria Theresa. "You must have a few years under your belt!" exclaimed Napoleon. "I'm sure I've lived sixty or seventy years," replied the colonel. "You mean to say," Napoleon continued, "you have not kept track of the years you have lived?"
The colonel promptly replied, "Sir, I always count my money, my shirts, and my horses - but as for my years, I know nobody who wants to steal them, and I shall surely never lose them."
"If I Had My Life to Live Over"
If I had my life to live over, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax, I'd limber up. I would be sillier than I've been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously, take more chances, take more trips. I'd climb more mountains, and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones. You see, I'm one of those people who lived seriously, sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot-water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than this trip. If I had my life to live over, I would start going barefoot earlier in the spring, and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances, I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.
The Lion and The cougar
A pointed fable is told about a young lion and a cougar. Both thirsty, the animals arrived at their usual water hole at the same time. They immediately began to argue about who should satisfy their thirst first. The argument became heated, and each decided he would rather die than give up the privilege of being first to quench his thirst. As they stubbornly confronted each other, their emotions turned to rage. Their cruel attacks on each other were suddenly interrupted. They both looked up. Circling overhead was a flock of vultures waiting for the loser to fall. Quietly, the two beasts turned and walked away. The thought of being devoured was all they needed to end their quarrel.
Time To Think
Henry Ford hired an efficiency expert to go through his plant. He said, "Find the nonproductive people. Tell me who they are, and I will fire them!"
The expert made the rounds with his clipboard in hand and finally returned to Henry Ford's office with his report. "I've found a problem with one of your administrators," he said. "Every time I walked by, he was sitting with his feet propped up on the desk. The man never does a thing. I definitely think you should consider getting rid of him!" When Henry Ford learned the name of the man the expert was referring to, Ford shook his head and said, "I can't fire him. I pay that man to do nothing but think - and that's what he's doing."
You are Wonderful
The following true story captured our heart. It happened several years ago in the Paris opera house. A famous singer had been contracted to sing, and ticket sales were booming. In fact, the night of the concert found the house packed and every ticket sold. The feeling of anticipation and excitement was in the air as the house manager took the stage and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your enthusiastic support. I am afraid that due to illness, the man whom you've all come to hear will not be performing tonight. However, we have found a suitable substitute we hope will provide you with comparable entertainment." The crowd groaned in disappointment and failed to hear the announcer mention the stand-in's name. The environment turned from excitement to frustration.
The stand-in performer gave the performance everything he had. When he had finished, there was nothing but an uncomfortable silence. No one applauded. Suddenly, from the balcony, a little boy stood up and shouted, "Daddy, I think you are wonderful!" The crowd broke into thunderous applause.
We all need people in our Lives who are willing to stand up once in a while and say, "I think you are wonderful."
Objective reality is a delirium caused by lack of alcohol in blood.
Russian sientists
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Russian Vodka
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a tast and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
A Talented Frog
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says.
"$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value.
The husband is sceptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks.
Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
Grandmother's Advice To Her Granddaughter
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
Drinking buddies
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "so which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."
Those Are Some Cute Babies
A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know."
The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?"
The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company."
Dumb and Dumber
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"
Deaths In The Family
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Man, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? That's horrible!"
"Then this month..." continued the friend, "Nothing. Not a single dime!"
Why Are Some Hairs White?
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
Let's Pretend
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage on a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep -- the man on the top bunk, and the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."
The man says happily, "OK! Sure!"
The woman says, "GOOD. Get your own damn blanket!"
10 Blondes 1 Brunette
There were 10 blondes and one brunette hanging on a rope off of mount everest.
The rope could'nt hold all of them so one person would have to fall on to the cliff below and sacrifice her life so the rest could live.
The brunette gives a touching story of how she will sacrifice her life for the rest of them to live, and she will let go and die and after she does this touching speech all the blondes applauded her.
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